A therapist with deep ties to the military community, Dr. Emma Smith writes a monthly advice column for Military.com to address questions from our readers. This month, she responds to a message from a military spouse who is questioning a relationship that doesn’t seem platonic anymore. Want Dr. Emma to answer your question next month? Submit it using the form at the end of the article.
Dear Dr. Emma,
I think I'm having an affair and I don't know what to do. My wife is a sailor and she is gone often. When she's home, we have a great time, but when she's gone it feels like we are living different lives. I guess we are. During her last deployment, a friend from high school texted me and we started talking. I was lonely and she was, too. We haven't done anything physical, but our friendship feels like it is something more.
Do I come clean with my wife?
-Port in a Storm
Dear Port in a Storm,
Most affairs don’t begin in hotel rooms or with dramatic declarations. They begin quietly: a late-night text, a message that lingers a little longer than it should, a comment that beckons a parallel universe of possibility. Suddenly, you’re not just talking to an old friend: you’re opening a door you didn’t realize you had left unlocked.
That’s how loneliness undermines our boundaries: it lets fantasy slip in through the cracks. I share this because I want you to know: you’re not unusual and you’re not alone in finding yourself in this place.
There’s a saying among sailors—“The sea will always test your anchor.” And feels like an apt metaphor for where you find yourself now. You say you haven’t done anything physical, and yet you already use the word “affair” to describe what’s happening. I think that’s worth paying attention to.
You see, affairs aren’t only physical. They’re often emotional long before they’re physically consummated. And in some ways, emotional affairs can be even more destabilizing. Why? Because they live in the realm of fantasy, secrecy and possibility. In the imagination, everything is heightened and everything is possible. Your best self comes forward, conflict is minimal and the intensity of longing makes the connection feel transcendent. Affairs are intoxicating because they live outside the mundane. There are no bills to pay with a high school friend over text, no laundry, no waiting for orders or reintegration after deployment. There’s just the sweetness of being seen. I believe that’s why, even without a kiss exchanged, you feel the weight of the word “affair” pressing down on you.
Regardless of the physical-versus-nonphysical nature of the affair, it sounds like loneliness and disconnection may be at the heart of what has led you to this uncomfortable place. I get the impression that this scenario doesn’t have to do with who the other person is, but rather your need to feel connected to someone when your partner is away.
Military marriages are often asked to withstand extraordinary pressures: long absences, parallel lives (home life and deployment life) and the uncertainty of redeployment and reintegration. More often than not, those strains occur far from the support of family or home community.
Of course, you felt lonely. Of course, you sought comfort. That doesn’t mean leaning into this friendship is the right choice, but it does make it a human one. The truth is that you’re not the first person in a military marriage to stumble into this gray zone, and you certainly won’t be the last.
And now you stand at a crossroads. Do you tell your wife? Keep it secret? End the friendship and use this as data? Each path carries risks and rewards. Telling the truth may rupture the relationship between you and your wife, but it also opens the door to rebuilding on firmer ground. Keeping it secret might spare your wife’s feelings in the short term, but secrets tend to metastasize. Ending it quietly could restore your integrity, but unless you understand why you turned towards this connection, the pattern may repeat.
Instead of prescribing a single “right” answer, I’ll offer you two questions:
- What kind of marriage do you and your spouse want to have?
- What kind of partner do you want to be?
The way you answer will point you to the option you can live with.
The truth underneath all of this is that sometimes we confuse the who with the what. You may feel pulled toward your old friend, but what you’re really drawn to is what she represents: comfort, recognition, the thrill of being desired or simply someone who is fully present when your wife cannot be. Affairs, emotional or otherwise, are rarely about the person we’re with. They’re about the parts of ourselves we get to access in their presence. As my mentor, Tammy Nelson often says, affairs aren’t about being with someone else so much as being someone else.
Ask yourself: What did this connection awaken in me? Who did I get to be in this connection that I’m not or can’t be at home while my wife is away? Being able to name this need, rather than hiding it or blaming the other person, is what can help you make meaningful change in your relationship.
Should you choose to tell your spouse about the affair, please remember to do so with responsibility. Loneliness may have set the stage, but the choices were yours. You might begin simply: “I’ve been feeling really lonely while you’re away, and I’ve realized I need to find ways for us to feel connected.” Remember: you’re not alone in this. Military families have resources, including chaplains, Fleet and Family Services, and Military and Family Life Counselors, who can walk alongside you individually or as a couple.
Whatever path you choose, Port in a Storm, please know that this experience doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It means you’re human, caught in the squall of circumstances bigger than you. Storms, after all, don’t just tear things down. They also show us where the roots need tending. If you let it, this storm can serve as a valuable teacher.
Off the clock, but always in your corner,
Dr. Emma
The content shared in this column is for informational and educational purposes only. It does not constitute clinical advice or create a therapist-client relationship. If you are in need of mental health support, please reach out to a licensed professional in your area.
Ask Dr. Emma Your Question
Every month, Dr. Emma will answer questions from the Military.com community. And she wants to answer yours! From romantic frustrations to family bonding, anxieties over current events to homecoming excitement, she wants to hear from you. Submit your question, and we may choose it for anonymous publication along with Dr. Emma's response. Your personal information will not be shared, and your responses will be used only for editorial purposes.
Keep Up with the Ins and Outs of Military Life
For the latest military news and tips on military family benefits and more, subscribe to Military.com and have the information you need delivered directly to your inbox.
