In the military community, few symbols carry as much weight and reverence as the Gold Star. It is a mark of profound sacrifice -- a symbol that a service member has died in the line of duty. For families left behind, the Gold Star represents both unimaginable loss and enduring honor.
What Is a Gold Star Family?
A Gold Star family is the immediate family (parents, spouses, siblings and children) of a service member who died while on active-duty military service. Also, if any service member including Guard or Reserve dies as a result of a documented service-connected illness or injury, generally, the family is designated Gold Star.
All of these families have made the ultimate sacrifice and are recognized by the U.S. Department of Defense for their loss and contribution to the nation.
What Is the Difference Between a Blue Star Family and a Gold Star Family?
A Blue Star family has a loved one currently serving in the armed forces. A Gold Star family has lost a loved one in military service. Both designations are recognized symbols of service and support, but the Gold Star denotes a family that has suffered the loss of a service member due to their duty.
Where Did the Term 'Gold Star' Originate?
The phrase "Gold Star family" is more than 100 years old. It originated in the U.S. during World War I. Families displayed service flags in their windows with a blue star for each immediate family member serving in the military. If that service member died in combat, the blue star was replaced with a gold star.
"Gold Star Families to Honor Memory of Their Soldier Dead," read the headline of one of the very first newspaper articles in the nation to acknowledge this designation. Printed in The Omaha (Nebraska) Evening Bee on Dec. 21, 1918, the story described plans by women of the local Red Cross chapter to honor fallen soldiers at Christmastime.
Over time, the gold star became a formal symbol of a family's loss and sacrifice, and the term "Gold Star family" was officially adopted to honor these families.
Gold Star Mother's Day was established by a congressional resolution in 1936. At the time, it specifically honored Gold Star mothers, not families broadly. The concept later expanded informally to include all family members who have lost a loved one in military service, hence the more inclusive term "Gold Star family" used today.
However, the last Sunday in September is still recognized as Gold Star Mother's Day, or more broadly, Gold Star Mother's and Family Day. Additionally, Gold Star Spouses Day is April 5 every year.
Related: Here's What Gold Star Mother's Day Is All About
How to Honor Gold Star Families
Honoring Gold Star families involves acknowledging their sacrifice with genuine respect and meaningful actions.
Perhaps the most touching thing you can do is to let the family member know their loved one is not forgotten and will never be.
"If you knew the person, share a story of a time or adventure or something they did that you know about," suggests Patti Elliott, national president of American Gold Star Mothers Inc. Her son, Army Reserve Spc. Daniel "Lucas" Elliott, 21, lost his life in 2011 while serving in Iraq. "Our children had lives that didn't always include us in things, especially their military adventures, and to hear those who served with them tell stories about them is so meaningful.
"I cherish those personal stories from the men and women my son knew, his civilian friends and his military comrades," Elliott adds.
Here are other ways to show support for a Gold Star family:
- Attend or support Gold Star events and observances such as Gold Star Mother's and Family's Day (last Sunday in September), Memorial Day and Gold Star Spouses Day (April 5).
- Visit memorials that recognize fallen service members.
- Participate in local ceremonies and wreath-laying events, such as Wreaths Across America, which is held every December.
- Volunteer with or donate to charities that support Gold Star families, such as the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS).
- Invite Gold Star families to community events, such as dinners or ceremonies, as honored guests. (But don't be offended if they're grieving too much to accept the invitation.)
- Send personal letters or tokens of remembrance to show appreciation and remembrance.
"Families want to know they are seen and remembered. Offer part of your heart in a card, a letter, a phone call or a visit in person. No words can take away the pain. But it will mean so much to know you care," Marilyn Weisenburg, a Gold Star mother, wrote in an article for the TAPS organization.
What Do You Say to a Gold Star Family?
Although it doesn't seem like it should be, communicating empathy with a Gold Star family member can sometimes be tricky. In general, it's best to speak from the heart. Many agree it's appropriate to say something simple, such as, "I'm so sorry for your loss," or, "Your loved one's service and sacrifice will never be forgotten."
As Elliott notes: "One of the most important things you can say to a Gold Star family is, 'Your hero will not be forgotten.'"
Avoid thanking the family member for their "sacrifice," as this has the potential to come off wrong.
"I appreciate, 'I'm sorry for your loss,' but I'm less a fan of, 'Thank you for your sacrifice,'" Elliott says. "Don't thank me -- I didn't do it willingly."
It's also best to avoid saying, "I know how you feel," or trying to offer comfort that minimizes the loss. Simply being present and respectful is often the most meaningful support.
Gold Star Family Resources
Numerous organizations and agencies provide resources for Gold Star families, from grief counseling to scholarships and community programs:
- TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors): Offers peer support and grief counseling for all those grieving a death in the military or veteran community.
- Gold Star Wives of America: Provides support for spouses of fallen service members.
- American Gold Star Mothers Inc.: A support organization for mothers of fallen service members. The group was launched in 1928 by Grace Darling Seibold, whose son disappeared while fighting in World War I. She spent years working at veterans hospitals in hopes of finding him.
- Army Survivor Outreach Services (SOS): Long-term support and resources for survivors of fallen U.S. Army soldiers.
- Military OneSource: This government resource for all military families, including Gold Star families, includes a Survivor & Casualty Assistance section to help connect survivors with services that can help them cope. Military OneSource also has a specific page called "Honoring Gold Star Families" which provides links to further information and resources.
- America's Gold Star Families: A not-for-profit organization "created to provide honor, hope and healing to those grieving any military loss while serving active duty."
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